Fidélité
by Kimmimaru
Summary: Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has regrets...only sometimes some people have more than others. Harry discovers some new information regarding the relationship between his Godfather and his Father. Rated T for adult theme's. Pairing SB/JP. One-shot.


**Fidélité**

"_What a fuss people make about fidelity!" exclaimed Lord Henry. "Why, even in love it is purely a question for physiology. It has nothing to do with our own will. Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot: that is all one can say."  
― __**Oscar Wilde, **__**The Picture of Dorian Gray**_

_~X~_

'Harry? Lunch is nearly ready!' Mrs Weasley's voice echoed up the rickety stairs of the burrow, Harry jumped a little when he heard it, as if he were doing something wrong.

'Uh…yeah, thanks. I'll be right down.' He called back. He was sat in the room he was sharing with his best friend Ron, of course the arrangement was temporary, he was going to find his own place to live as soon as he could but it was difficult. He had Griummauld Place, left to him by his Godfather, but he still couldn't face the idea of living with Sirius' ghost. Not yet at least. However not long after he had defeated Lord Voldemort he had gone alone into that musty old house and dug around in his Godfather's old bedroom. In it, beneath the bed, he had found a rusted metal box, it had taken him a week to work out the magical locks that had been placed upon it and another week to disarm the various traps. Finally he sat on his camp bed holding a dusty pile of precious treasure. There were letters dating right back to his father's first year at Hogwarts, there were photographs of the Marauders all together, there were lists of illicit potions, girls and other things but most importantly of all there were sheaf's of letters to and from his father and mother to their various friends. It seemed that Remus Lupin had added his own letters to the box at some point during Harry's fifth year at school. It was a veritable feast for his hungry eyes and each night he devoured as many of the correspondences as he could until he had found some that made him re-think his whole view of his deceased Godfather. One letter in particular had caught his attention and now he sat down and began reading the shaking handwriting of eighteen year old Sirius Black, a confession dating back to the beginning of the First War:

Dear James,

This may seem strange and completely dangerous to you but I…I can't go on without talking about it. To you it may be something bad to forget but to me it's so, so much more…I just want you to read and be patient. You're welcome to throw this away when you've read it, hell I wouldn't be surprised if you burned it, I just want this chance to explain…

I remember the night I made the mistake. The sky was bedecked in stars like tiny silver fairy lights, they gazed down upon us as we stumbled through the streets of Muggle London. It was nineteen seventy nine and we were just two young guys bar hopping in celebration, it was your Stag Night (an irony I think I pointed out to you repeatedly that evening). For you it was the last night of your freedom, you were about to embark on the journey called marriage. I knew from the moment we got off of the Hogwarts Express that year that you would marry Lily. It was a match written in the stars. It was so perfect no one ever questioned you, no one ever put doubts in your mind…no one, that Is, except me.

You knew my secrets as well as you knew yourself, I told you many and the ones I didn't you worked out for yourself. You knew me like no one ever did and no one has since. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't hide it from you, I couldn't try to tell you the lies I had tried to tell myself. The fact that although I went on many dates I never saw the same girls again, I went about the school taking the sluttiest girls I could find out and never once did I bring them back to our dorms. I wasn't as good as Remus who hid his true identity from us for nearly two years. To you I was as transparent as a glass window. You knew what I really was and I am eternally grateful that you never spoke of it, I owe you more than my life.

Back to the night I nearly ruined everything. It was eleven at night and we had just been kicked out of the last pub, we stumbled down the streets singing loudly and scaring stray cats. I remember my arm around your waist, your breath against my ear, your hair tickling my face as I fell into you. Our bodies are warm even though the air around is cold, if I look up I know all I'm going to see is the green-gold of your eyes and I know that if I do look at you I'm going to break. I'll break and take everything with me, including your happiness. But then, just when I can feel my will strengthening and I'm about to pull away, I feel your hand sliding into my hair. I can't help myself, I look. You're so close I can smell the alcohol on your breath, your lips are parted slightly and I can see the starlight and street lights glinting off of your glasses. I'm stunned into silence by your face, not classically handsome but to me there is no other as beautiful as you. I'm not exactly sure who moved first, was it me? Probably. Before I can regain my senses I feel your lips against my own, your tongue tangling with my own and I've died and gone to heaven. Your strong fingers tangle so tightly in my hair its agony, but I never want you to let go.

As you pull away briefly to regain your breath I remember whispering: 'It's you. It's always been you…' Like some pathetic school girl. You don't seem to hear me however as you're already regretting our impulsiveness, I watch as you pull away and take a shaking breath. I can't let this end. Not now. Not when I'm so, so close to having my deepest darkest secret from coming to fruition. No dream could have prepared me for the taste of you, not even the sweetest. You make me happier than I have ever been in my life, you make me truly believe in love even whilst I'm surrounded by hatred. You're the light to my dark and I cannot allow you to get away, not now.

I don't think you could have spoken in that moment, even as I reach up and run my fingers through the back of your hair. When I draw them away I smile as it becomes as messy as you wore it in school. I want to speak, I want to tell you what I've never had the guts to say before. I want to fall to my knees and scream, I want to beg you to love me. I need you Jamie, I love you. Don't marry her tomorrow, run away with me and we can go to Germany like we talked about in fourth year! We can live out the rest of our lives together in the dark woodland there. I don't say any of this, of course. The words stick in my throat as I open and close my mouth. I see your eyes close briefly as you see something in my eyes that must tell you all that I'm thinking…fuck, I'm like an open book to you, aren't I?

I know you love her. Don't think I'm so cruel as to refuse you your happiness, I watched you two dance around each other for years until you finally came together. I know why you're marrying her so soon, hell, I would too if I were you. This is a war we've become involved in, I don't expect many of us will come out of this alive and so you want to commit yourself to Lily as soon as you can. None of us really know how much time we have left now, do we? I feel like there's this clock ticking away every second of my life, I can hear it when I sleep at night. It haunts me and I'm sure you sense it there too. I never understood the concept of love until I met you, I never had the opportunity to explore this side of myself until we met. When we were eleven you dragged me from the dark spiral of my family and you showed me another path, a path that I have been following ever since. It has cost me more than I can ever say aloud not to stray and take an easier, less painful way but thanks to you I can now stand straight and tall and I no longer fear the unknown.

Your hands shake as they gently tug at a strand of my hair, I can see you becoming hesitant and I know that the next words out of your mouth will destroy this moment. This is where I must confess my sins to you; I knew you were going to say her name. I knew you were going to pull us both back into the cold reality we found ourselves in and I couldn't have it. You were going to ruin my dream and so I stopped you. I leaned close and pressed my lips to yours once again, I pushed my tongue into your mouth and stifled any pointless words. I kissed you to shut you up, and I can still taste her name on my own lips. It tastes like dust and the metallic sting of guilt. Jamie, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. My own selfish desire's led you to stray from your future and I nearly tore you apart, I don't ask for forgiveness I only want understanding.

That night we forced ourselves back to my apartment, we fell into bed together. I remember the first touch of your skin beneath my frozen fingers, your mouth was hungry as it found my throat. Your hands shook and your breathing was unsteady but I had banished all hesitation. Our love making was a mixture of pent up fury and soft tenderness, your tongue sent such wild desire through me I wanted to die just to stay locked in the utter bliss you filled me with. I have never wanted anything more than what you gave me that night, and I will never ask it again. I will remember it for the rest of life, however long that may be. I hope deep in my heart that you took something from it too. I can only say that I never intended to hurt anyone, least of all you or Lily. I only…I only wanted to show you proof of my devotion, I needed to give you something that could never be taken away and I gave you my very soul.

Harry stared at the letter in shock. It was a written on a well handled piece of parchment yet something inside him told him that it was a letter Sirius had never sent. With a shaking hand he turned it over, remembering the odd looks Sirius had occasionally given him and Hermione's very words came back to haunt him. She had thought that Sirius sometimes got confused and thought he was his father. On the back of the parchment was more writing but this was not the scrawling of a hurt nineteen year old, the ink seemed somewhat fresher.

I'll never forgive myself. My head's so full of 'what if's' that it hurts. Remus tells me to forgive myself, how can I? How can I live knowing that I was the one who set up the circumstances of your murder? How can I ever continue living in a world where every night I hear nothing but your breathy words the night before you were married? Tell me Jamie, how am I supposed to continue living knowing that there's nothing left for me here? I need you to smile at me. I need you to touch my arm like you always used to when I was troubled…I need you. If I'd only had the courage to become your secret keeper! If only I'd never nominated someone else to do a duty that should have been mine! I would have died for you, you know that right? You know that I'd gladly have thrown myself in front of the bastard who took your life, don't you? Please…please forgive me. If only I'd done something different, chosen another path…if only I'd told someone! I only want to make you hear me this time…I only need to feel you next to me again. I loved her too, you know? Lily was sweet, what was there not to like about her? Oh yes, I was jealous. I was immature and wanted to take you for myself, that was my first mistake but since then I continued to make more. I fucked up. I got you both killed and couldn't even take care of your child like you wanted me too. Everything I touch turns to ash and dust and I can never, ever take it back. One day I'll make it up to you…one day I'll prove to you that I could at least do something. I'll watch him for you, like I should have done fourteen years ago. I promise I'll die for him like I should have done for you. I promise I'll keep him safe for as long as I can. I promise that someday we'll see each other again and Jamie…when that day comes I want to be able to stand as equals without this guilt and pain tearing me to shreds. I suppose that these promises come to late but it's all I can do.

I only want you to remember that I loved you…I've never stopped. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, I only wanted to love you even if that meant standing by your side as you married Lily. Even if it meant living in her shadow never to feel your lips on mine again. I shouldn't have cared. I should have been content to simply stand back and watch and bathe in your joy as you held your son in your arms. I should have been happy simply because you were and for that I'm sorry…forgive me for my mistakes, forgive me for not doing my duty and for loving you the way I did. Forgive me for not saving you when I should have…forgive me…please…

The letter ended there, the ink was smudged where Harry had been gripping the parchment. He took a breath and shook his head slowly. Sirius had loved his father and died full of guilt over his and Lily's deaths, even though there had been nothing he could have done. He found a quill and some ink from Ron's desk, he loaded it and bent over the parchment before scribbling a brief sentence. Once done he let the ink dry before replacing it back in the box, without a glance back he left the room. The ink on the parchment glistened briefly before the parchment began sucking it up, slowly the words written in Harry's hand faded as if they had never been there;

_I forgive you._

_~X~_

_A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down._

_**Robert Benchley**_


End file.
